Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the self-sacrificing schema, mostly because I see it come up so often in my therapy practice, and tbh, it’s something I’ve struggled with myself. If you’re not familiar with this schema, it’s a pattern where you put everyone else’s needs before your own, even if it leaves you feeling drained, resentful, or just plain unappreciated. I’ve noticed that people with this schema, myself included, can end up going to extreme lengths to take care of others, sometimes without realizing it’s at the expense of their own well-being. And the worst part about it, it's usually not so helpful for the person at the receiving end either, so it can almost be considered counterproductive for everyone involved (as I learned the hard way).
You might even feel guilty about taking time for yourself or setting boundaries because you’re so used to being the one who gives. It’s like you start to believe that your value comes from how much you can do for others, not from what you need for yourself. For example, I’ve worked with clients who constantly bend over backward for their partners, even when it means neglecting their own emotional needs or burning themselves out. They’re always there for their friends, family, or coworkers, but when it comes to asking for help or taking a break, they freeze up because they feel like it’s wrong or selfish. And trust me, I get it...it’s easy to fall into that mindset, especially when you’ve grown up in environments where taking care of others was the top priority, or your caregiver was absolutely mental so you had to be the calm one taking care of things or anticipating needs their needs to avoid disaster. So where does this schema come from, really? Well, like many other schemas, it often starts in childhood, as I just mentioned, and you may have guessed. If you had caregivers or significant figures who were emotionally or physically needy, you might have internalized the idea that your own needs are secondary. Over time, this gets so ingrained that it just becomes a part of who you are, you don’t even realize you’re putting yourself last most of the time. Or if you do realize it, you may justify it by thinking it's completely normal since it's 'just who you are'.
This kind of behavior can show up in different ways. In relationships, it might mean you’re always the one picking up the slack, letting your partner’s needs come before your own, even when you’re exhausted or feeling neglected. It can be little things like never choosing the restaurant or always watching movies in the genre you know your partner prefers. At work, you could find yourself taking on extra tasks even when you’re already overwhelmed because you don’t want to disappoint anyone. And in family dynamics, it can look like giving up your own time, energy, and even identity just to keep things running smoothly or to avoid feeling guilty about not doing enough.
The weird thing about this schema is that while you might start out doing it for others, there can be a lot of frustration and resentment that builds up over time. It’s easy to feel unappreciated, and sometimes, it can even make you feel like people don’t really care about you as much as you care about them (most common complaint I hear in therapy). 'I do so much for others but I never feel anyone puts in as much effort as me', or 'I'm known as this great person who goes above and beyond to help, I can't just stop'. Funny part is that in most cases, this unconditional 'help' that we provide can actually be damaging the relationship, as it creates an unhealthy dynamic of giver and taker. Too much of a good thing is never actually a good thing at all. I know in my case, my 'help' was keeping my partner paralyzed and affecting their ability to take care of themselves. I thought I was being a good partner, but all I was doing was fulfilling my own need to be the caretaker, in a way, I was being SELFISH. Imagine, the caretaker being the selfish one. But isn't it selfish to take care of everything just because it's in your nature, not because it is actually needed at all. Just because something makes you feel good or eases your anxieties about being valuable and useful, doesn't mean it's actually helping the other person.
Dealing with the self-sacrificing schema isn’t easy, but there are definitely ways to start shifting things. First off, you have to recognize that your own needs are just as important as everyone else’s. That might sound obvious, but it’s something people with this schema really struggle with, myself included. It takes practice to break the habit of constantly putting others first, but setting boundaries is a huge step. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about making sure you’re in a place where you can actually give from a healthy, sustainable place. Another thing I’ve learned (and this is something I work on with my clients too) is developing self-compassion. For a long time, I felt guilty about taking time for myself or saying "no" to people, but learning to be kind to myself has made a world of difference. Giving yourself permission to take a break, enjoy life, and not feel guilty about it? That’s key.
Ultimately, the self-sacrificing schema is about learning that it’s okay to take care of yourself. You’re not a bad person for needing a little space or time to recharge. It's ok if you choose the restaurant and it isn't a hit with everyone.. In fact, when you can take care of yourself, you’re better able to show up for others in a way that’s healthy and fulfilling for everyone involved. It's not easy to let go of these self-sacrifing tendencies, but with a little self-awareness, some therapy work, and a lot of patience, it’s possible to shift those old patterns and start living a more balanced life.