Not just the past, but that ugly part of the past that is directly linked to someone who is still in our present.
As a therapist specialising in the psychodynamic approach, I’m high key obsessed with the past, and what it could tell us about our who we are today. But in my weakest moments, I can’t help but doubt myself, and ask, how often should we revisit the past? and should we even!? On top of that, should we involve others in our retrospective journey? should we burden someone else to revisit it with us?
That’s where my main question lies (and torments me as a psychologist slash sensitive, nostalgic and emotional person). Is the mere act of asking someone else involved to clarify and explain past hurts and trauma considered 'cheating’ in this game of healing and growth? Or is it actually a way to expedite it? Can this uncomfortable re-examination of the past actually act as a catalyst for growth and closure, or will it just set us back and reopen old wounds for both involved?
When it comes to revisiting past trauma or hurt, what might be therapeutic for one person could potentially be re-traumatizing for another. This is something to keep in mind and consider if you’re about to drag someone back to a place they may have fully left behind…However, on the other hand, asking someone to clarify aspects of the past that have left YOU feeling umm rather, unsettled, can actually serve as a catalyst for growth and closure, hmmm..This idea is based on the premise that understanding the roots and contexts of our emotional experiences can lead to insights and emotional integration. This is actually fundamental in many therapeutic approaches like psychodynamic (my fav) and cognitive-behavioral therapy (my second fav). So perhaps a guided and supported journey through past experiences, with the goal of reframing and re-contextualizing the painful events, can help to reduce the emotional power of the past, disarming it, and finally healing.
BUT is this something we have to do alone? Would it be such a personal and rewarding healing journey if we asked someone to accompany us? What if we incorporated the trigger himself (whoops freudian slip) and asked him all the questions that have been burning a hole in our brain? Does this take away from the independent path of self-discovery?
The potential benefits of this really really depend on the readiness of both people involved, their willingness to face these past traumas, and should be done in a secure therapeutic environment (doesn’t have to be a therapist’s office, can just be a quiet environment where both feel safe). I can’t help but think that without these elements, asking someone to revisit past hurts can inadvertently lead to further traumatization and resentment. Re-experiencing the emotional pain and trauma all over again, when it should be in the past, can in fact set back the individual’s healing process and potentially damage the relationship all over again.
As a psychologist however, I support it. Having super uncomfortable conversations allow both involved to express their feelings and perspectives, potentially leading to mutual healing and strengthening of the relationship. Bottom line though, it’s essential to approach these conversations with empathy, consideration and at the right timing. Here, timing is really everything. If approached thoughtfully and at a discussed and agreed upon time, revisiting past issues can help both involved understand each other better, FINALLY uncover the issues that were buried deep but still lingering and hindering, and support each other’s emotional needs.
Timing, technique, and context are critical.. but I say do it. Bring the old stuff up, have the uncomfortable conversations, challenge yourself and the dynamic. What we leave lingering and hindering will ultimately be our undoing...